I often sit with parents who are desperate to understand why their children do what they do. They are exhausted, confused, and convinced something deeper must be wrong with their children or themselves. The simple truth is that children must be taught how to behave. They are not born knowing how to manage frustration, follow instructions, handle disappointment, or communicate respectfully. They are not evil, manipulative, or plotting against us. They are inexperienced humans who need skills, not suspicion.
Much of the confusion parents feel today comes from the fact that, for generations, we followed the wrong theorist. Freud taught us to look for hidden motives, inner conflicts, and symbolic meanings behind every behavior. Adler, on the other hand, taught that behavior is purposeful, teachable, and rooted in belonging and capability. If we had built our parenting culture on Adler instead of Freud, we would have far fewer parents blaming themselves, fearing failure, or assuming their child’s behavior to be a moral flaw.
Freud’s approach leaves parents decoding, while Adler’s ideas empower parents to teach.
The Core Difference
* Freud: Behavior is symbolic. A tantrum might represent inner turmoil or unresolved conflict.
* Adler: Behavior is purposeful. A tantrum is communication: an attempt to gain an item, attention, power, or avoid something they do not want to do.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
1. The Morning Meltdown. A Freudian lens might lead a parent to wonder, “What’s going on inside my child emotionally? Why are they so oppositional?”. An Adlerian lens explains that children are simply overwhelmed and lack the skills they need to manage transitions. Instead of wasting time analyzing motives, healthy parents examine how to teach. They use visual schedules, countdown timers, and help their children practice simple routines that build capability.
2. The Teen Who Talks Back. Freud might push a parent to interpret disrespect as rebellion or deep resentment. Adler’s theories reframe the behavior of a teen as simply seeking significance and autonomy. Instead of wasting time trying to uncover deep emotional wounds, Adler’s ideas empower parents to set clear boundaries, invite collaboration, and teach effective communication skills.
3. The Child Who Lies. Freud believed that lying is a sign of inner conflict or avoidance of shame. Adler theorized that lying is a strategy to avoid perceived failure or punishment. Adler encouraged parents to teach problem‑solving, reduce fear-based consequences, and reinforce honesty as a skill.
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4. The Sibling Rivalry Spiral. Freud taught that jealousy is rooted in deep emotional competition. Adler explained that children are competing for belonging and significance. His ideas helped parents shift from refereeing to teaching turn-taking, contribution, and shared responsibility.
Why This Matters for Today’s Parents
Adler frees parents from the pressure of perfection. He reminds us that:
* Misbehavior is communication, not character.
* All skills can be taught.
* Connection and capability drive behavior.
* Parents do not need to interpret or make incorrect assumptions. They need to guide children to build skills that develop healthy adults.
Children do not need decoding. They need teaching. When parents shift from interpreting behavior to building skills, we have plenty of time and energy for healthy connections.